So tonight, I was shown something really cool.
Which automatically prompted me to blog about it--something I have become fond of doing in order to process what I think God is doing in me in this really, super confusing yet wonderful phase in my life.
The concept of the "double-life" and "wearing a mask" and such is an idea that I have wrestled with for awhile now, and in all honesty doesn't really convict me anymore. I don't really feel like a bad person when I do things that don't represent Christ in me because hey--I go to church, I have somewhat intelligent things to say about God and my beliefs about him. I am involved at church, I work with youth, I pour into them and teach them that they are loved by God and he is wanting to use them. I go to Africa and Mexico and The Dominican Republic and show love to orphans and widows and feed the hungry. I lead people in worship and try to invest in my church community using my God-given talents. Lets be honest I think I am a pretty stellar outside Christian.
But who cares? It doesn't matter how great I am on the outside if my inside doesn't match. Once the mask comes off...who am I really?
And tonight, I was really hit hard with this idea that GOD ISN'T IMPRESSED WITH THE MASK. WHAT!? Yeah, God doesn't really find all my "accomplishments" so great unless my heart is right with him. He isn't like "Oh Lauren, you are really not thinking Godly thoughts or living a Godly life, but because you went to Africa this summer I will cut you some slack." I am more concerned with the religion then I am about the relationship. The inside takes backseat to the outside in everything I do. I have become a pharisee as Mike said. I have become so taken up with the rules and regulations of Christianity and how I think I can get to Heaven that I completely have missed the point. So outside I am this great Christian, but inside I am rotting and struggling...and the worst part, is I don't even see it. I don't even acknowledge the internal issues because I have come to think the outside is more important.
While worshiping I thought of the verse that talks about how man looks at the outside and God looks at the heart. I usually like that verse because its typically talked about in the context that we don't have to live to impress people with our outward appearance...we don't have to be beautiful or perfect because God doesn't care about that. As someone who is constantly battling with self-conscious thoughts...that's a good verse. But it hit me, that verse kind of scares me. God looks at the heart! Now that I think of it, I kind of want God to only look on the outside, because that's where I can fake it. That's where I have control of what I like. That's where I can be the good Christian I know I am supposed. The outside is clean. The outside is pure. I want God to see that stuff. But nope, he sees the inside. The part that I cannot control. The part that shows the true Lauren. Inside is where I am the liar, luster, judger, gossiper. That's not the part I want God to see...But that's what he cares about the most.
A verse that breaks my heart:
Matthew 23:27-28
"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness."
At the moment, this is how I am reading that verse...
"Woe to you, LAUREN, you hypocrite! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.
Dangit. That's not something I am super proud of...to be compared to a pharisee, the men who Jesus called "brood of vipers" is definitley not where I want to be right now. But I am. This verse describes me perfectly...
So basically all this to say--my heart needs some healing. Tonight I prayed that the mentality that I need to impress God with my outside appearance would be eliminated from my mind. And that is my sincere hope, that I would focus on the inside, on the stuff that is dark, and ungodly...because that is what God focuses on, and I want him to see the best of me. Inside and out.
LF
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